Me? You love ME? (Ricky Weekly #97)

This is where I share 3 things every week with my friends and anyone else interested.
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A picture from my life:

After visiting Portugal last year, we went to Spain this year on our annual friends trip. My heart is full and I hope we can keep this up. This is how I remember our trip, just non-stop smiles (to the extent Jun knows how to smile without showing teeth).

A thing on my mind:

The night before my flight home from Spain, my friend's two-year-old hugged me goodbye and cried. I was caught off guard and told her it was okay while fighting back my own tears.

A few weeks ago, I called a friend to catch up on my way to the gym. She tracked me down on Find My and showed up in person. I didn't have that much time to talk to her, and she was okay with that. I was surprised.

Every day, I go to work and marvel at my co-founder's determination, work ethic, and intelligence. I am amazed that he's still here, despite all my shortcomings.

I'm working on recognizing the countless ways people love me. My problem is that I am so, so surprised by them. Me? You love me?

I don't know if it's because, deep down, I don't think I'm worth loving. Intellectually, I understand that everyone deserves to be loved. Simply existing should be enough. But that didn’t feel like the case growing up. Over the years, I've become more certain that I was loved, but that love simply couldn't reach me at the time. Parents are people, and people are flawed.

I had to grow up very quickly, and part of growing up meant deciding that I didn’t need love. I channeled my energy in more productive directions, like trying to improve my life or at least control what I could. That sense of agency saved me, but I never stopped longing for love.

I’ve developed a number of personality traits that help me win love, only to reject it because I'm afraid. I'm ever the people-pleaser. Whatever situation I'm in, I want to make sure I'm wanted. I do that by making you laugh and taking an interest in you. It’s not fake—I truly enjoy most people's company, and I can easily see what is lovable about every person.

But when you start to show me love, I run. Pay me a compliment, and I deflect with self-deprecation. Take an interest in my life story, and I will share with you the same version of the story I tell everyone—one that helps you get to know me but also spares me from having to engage my deepest emotions. Even this newsletter is, in a way, an exercise in dancing the line between storytelling and true vulnerability.

But this hurts. Not being able to receive love hurts. It hurts me and affects how I show up every day. I show up not really believing in my worth. It also hurts everyone who loves me but can't reach me. Some people are limited in how much they can love, but even those with seemingly infinite capacity—people who nag, annoy, and pester me every day with gestures of love—still struggle to break through. Unlike when I was growing up, this time the problem is me.

So, as I said, I'm working on better recognizing all the ways I'm loved so I can practice letting those feelings register. One of the best things about ChatGPT is that I can just ask it to give me 100 ways friends can show love, and it will, and then I can ask for 100 more. Here are a few examples:

• Listening intently when I talk, and remembering details.

• Offering advice or perspective when I’m struggling, without judgment.

• Making plans around my preferences (e.g., choosing a restaurant I like).

• Taking an interest in my interests, learning about things I care about.

• Including me in group plans, making me feel part of their circle.

• Asking for my help or advice, valuing my perspective.

• Making time for me, even when they’re busy or stressed.

• Spontaneously doing something kind, like grabbing my favorite snack.

• Giving me space when they sense I need alone time or rest.

I don't know how long it’ll take to feel a sense of progress here. I don't even know how to measure progress for something like this. I'm scared because engaging my deepest emotions is terrifying. Last night, I talked to a friend about this very feeling. We discussed "givers" and "takers" in love, and he said, "Taking is vulnerable because you are not in control." Yeah.

Receiving love means opening myself up to the possibility of heartbreak. By savoring and relishing love, it becomes more difficult to ignore the fear that it could all go away. I want to absorb love, let it change me, and learn to trust that even if it all disappears, I will still be okay. Wish me luck.

A piece of content I recommend:

Culinary Class Wars on Netflix

People tell me they love the The Bear because it’s a show about what it’s like to be devoted to your craft, but I couldn’t stand watching it because it’s too anxiety-ridden. I do love content about people at the top of their game though so I’ve been raving about this Korean reality show that pits 50 up-and-coming / hidden gem chefs against 50 Michelin / well known chefs.

Bonus content: Esther Perel: How to Find, Build & Maintain Healthy Romantic Relationships on Huberman Lab

The way Esther Perel re-interprets and broadens the common ways we talk about relationships is a masterclass in perspective, like pointing out that it may be better to recognize that in the West we now have two or three relationships or marriages in our adult life, and some do it with the same person, but the relationship has to change. Or disentangling the idea of love from the idea of desire.

Bonus content 2: Trump and the Art of the Bullshitter on Honestly with Bari Weiss

I wanted to meet Trump with curiosity the first time he got elected. I couldn’t categorically reject the guy just for being vile because he’s a vile guy with massive appeal. Well, he just won again, and this podcast was insightful. It talks about Kayfabe.

🤗

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As always, you can find out what I’m thinking in more real-time on Twitter and my essays are on my website. My primary focus (and where I focus) is on Flow Club.