Healthy boundaries (Ricky Weekly #102)
This is where I share 3 things every week with my friends and anyone else interested.
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A picture from my life:
The Dodgers were in town! It’s been forever since I’ve been to a Dodgers game. I go to lots of Warriors games, Giants games, and even went to a Valkyries game for the first time recently but NOTHING compares to cheering for YOUR team!
A thing on my mind:
I’ve been thinking about what it means to set healthy boundaries.
Without them, life’s daily “elements” seem to erode my sense of self. Boundaries are signals that I know what I need and that I value myself enough to communicate those needs clearly.
I used to think people who are sensitive about boundaries have limited capacity or adaptability. If someone got upset by harsh feedback, I’d think, “They just can’t handle the truth!” If someone needed personal space, I’d dismiss it as “rigid and inflexible.” If someone bulldozed others with their agenda, I’d label it “selfish.” I’m realizing that’s not it and wow was I judgy.
I wasn’t entirely wrong, though. Like a lot of people, childhood was painful. It felt like the world just wouldn’t stop hurting me, and no one answered my cries for help. At some point, I decided boundary-setting was a useless exercise. Instead, I needed to develop the capacity for pain and learn to adapt to any situation. You can imagine then when I met people who acted like everyone needed to respect their boundaries, I’d think, “wow it’s so unfair that they get to ask to be treated differently.” It’s even more infuriating when people would comply, myself including. I never got that treatment.
I’m realizing now though that just like capacity-building is a skill, adaptability is a skill, so is boundary-setting. Boundary-setting might be the more important skill because it isn’t just about survival; it’s about thriving. You get to learn what you need and demand it from the world. It’s giving main character energy.
For me, setting healthy boundaries involves:
Noticing when a boundary is being crossed
Confirming it’s genuinely a boundary issue and not just temporary discomfort
Establishing the boundary clearly to the offender
Noticing
The girl I’m dating is good at checking in with me to ask me if I’m okay with a plan or what we’re doing. She knows I’m eager to please but can get grumpy if I don’t get what I need. Her simple questions reveal how often I overlook my own discomfort. I usually struggle with answering if I’m okay, because I’m not sure! Instead, I default to the people-pleasing, “yeah, I’m okay” or even fake some enthusiasm to avoid disappointing people who want me to be happy. I’m sure we all do this from time to time. Still, her check-ins give me a chance to register if there’s an incongruence or unmet need.
Confirming
Even when I notice discomfort, it’s still difficult to tell what is a boundary and what is just a fleeting emotion (eg HALT: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) or something I can adapt to. For example, if travel disrupts my morning routine, is that boundary-breaking or can I simply adjust what I do? If someone’s comment hurts me, should I say something or am I too sensitive? If I complain, do I become the insufferable one?
Clear boundaries requires clearly knowing what I’m willing to fight for. It's taken years and considerable self-sabotage to realize that maintaining my self-confidence is a critical boundary to being who I want to be. If a physical injury is your body telling you you’ve gone too far, my emotional resilience has kept my mind from telling me I’ve injured my heart.
Establishing
Noticing and confirming boundaries leads inevitably to the hardest step: communicating them. I'm relatively comfortable communicating the uncomfortable (“I feel” statements help). The difficulty lies in the decision itself—deciding that I'm worth fighting for. If I don’t value or trust myself, I won’t genuinely advocate for myself. I have to believe deeply that “I deserve to be me” and can occupy proper space in the world. I’m practicing this now.
Acknowledgements
This was hard to write because I’m still processing it, but recent interactions with these friends have deeply influenced me:
Jason coached me to “let Ricky cook” by getting out of my own way. His story about being too resilient to physical pain in gymnastics made me wonder if emotional resilience could similarly become harmful.
Ryan reminded me that my younger self balanced thoughtfulness with bold, intuitive action. He used to say, "Protect your swag!" Today I think the kids would use the word “aura.”
Kat and Amanda: Going on trips with them this summer opened my eyes to what healthy boundaries can look like.
Nikil: For writing about how to live a confident life and setting a good example of someone who knows his worth.
Even random sports podcasts have influenced me (probably Baader-Meinhof):
Jeremy Lin said he should’ve spoken up earlier to Kevin McHale. Gary Sheffield said speaking up against rookie hazing taught him that he can demand respect.
“I guess I got my swagger back!” - Jay Z
A piece of content I recommend:
The Materialist written and directed by Celine Song (Past Lives)
Past Lives was my favorite movie of 2024, so I had to watch Celine Song’s latest—and it did not disappoint! Past Lives explored longing for a multiverse of what-ifs. all those coulda, woulda, shouldas we carry until we surrender and embrace the present. The Materialist dives into the infinite possibilities of the present and how we struggle to decide what’s truly right for us. “Dating is hard and love is easy,” but can—or should—you trust what’s “easy” when your brain tries to protect your heart by trying to check all the boxes?
Bonus Content: Ocean Vuong Was Ready to Kill. Then a Moment of Grace Changed His Life from The Interview, New York Times
When this interview dropped, my friend Katie and I both separately listened to it right away. Then Katie called me and I said, “Ocean Vuong on The Interview!?” She was like, “Yessssssssss.” That’s how good it was.
🤗
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As always, you can find out what I’m thinking in more real-time on Twitter and my essays are on my website. My primary focus (and where I focus) is on Flow Club.