Happiness = Reality - Expectation (Ricky Weekly #89)

This is where I share 3 things every week with my friends and anyone else interested.
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A picture from my life:

I went to watch Socially Inept: Tech Roast Show last night. They sold out the Palace of Fine Arts Theater! I know the guys and I remember when they were just getting started with this niche idea of roast comedy for techies almost three years ago…this is what can happen when you focus!

A thing on my mind:

Over the years, friends have asked me why I still work on startups. Some are more honest and point out that I haven’t had much to show for it. So what’s the point? It’s not an easy answer.

I heard “Happiness = Reality - Expectation” at some point. I did the “math,” thought it made sense, and didn’t think more about it. I believe I’m happy, but people close to me aren’t convinced because I’m always stressed and seemingly unhappy. There’s a way “happy” looks, I guess? I have very high expectations for myself, and I’m very open about it, so my happiness level according to the equation is negative.

I don’t remember the last time I had a “good day.” As I’ve gotten older, typical markers of a “good day” have gone away. It’s not enough to just get stuff done, if the things I did don’t matter, then it’s not a good day. It’s not enough to have customers write in about how life-changing Flow Club is, if it’s not followed by an increased in the growth rate, then it’s not a good day.

But I feel happy. You know they say to “enjoy the journey” and honestly what frightens me is that I may enjoy the journey too much that I’m not concerned enough about the destination. Do I not care about winning? Am I not pissed off for greatness? I think I am totally pissed, but the thought that I may not be haunts me.

I tell people that I like the stress, but they don’t believe me. Some of them have seen me when I’m really down or watched me cry. I tell people I’m happy because I get to play this really difficult game of my own choosing, and it’s endlessly challenging and stretching of my abilities. This game never lets me have a moment. I even chose a co-founder who is exactly like me, so we never let ourselves have a moment. It’s not easy to work with us. It’s not easy for us to work with each other. None of this looks happy.

I am very ambitious. I’ve always been that way. I don’t think I’ve ever felt good about myself or anything I’ve accomplished. Good things rarely register in my head, and I often need people to tell me what I did for me to think about it a little more. I remember finding out I got into Stanford. I was taking a nap because I had just come home from closing the cafe I worked at, and I still had a ton of homework to do. Admission results came out at 9pm, my dad woke me up to check. I told him which ones I got into, and went back to my nap. I didn’t really think much about it until later because while that was the goal at the time, I knew I wanted more. I wasn’t even sure what it is I wanted or even understood why I wanted it. I just knew there was more. Actually going to Stanford only raised my ambition because what I thought was my ceiling got pushed way up just from observing the brilliance of the other students. I got a glimpse of what it means to be “world class,” and I’ve stuck around the Bay Area because this is where there’s a high concentration of people who are world class at what they do.

Having a singular why for your ambition may even be dangerous. For the longest time, my why was my mom and my family. To “get out” and put everyone around me on a better path in life was my why. But over time, I discovered that it’s not my job. People I love will be happy or unhappy regardless of what I do for them. Once I realized that, I felt like a big part of my why got taken away. I wasn’t lost per se, but there was a sense of loss. David told me when we were 23 that the only kind of motivation that is sustainable is intrinsic because if you were in a long distance swim meet, at some point you look around and the only person left is you, there’s no one else to compete with except yourself, and you gotta keep going. David was wise beyond his years, but he sucks at swimming.

I’m reading PG’s essay on How to Do Great Work. I’m not done reading since this is like the longest thing PG has ever written. Still, quoting PG,

Ambition comes in two forms, one that precedes interest in the subject and one that grows out of it.

I think that makes sense. Some ambition is just who you are, your environment, upbringing, and the story you tell yourself as the result of all that, and the other part is just falling in love with the subject of your ambition. The subject of my ambition is building a startup, and seeing that this game is something I can and want to be ambitious about. Because it’s challenging. Because it’s fun. Because I get to work with brilliant people. Because it’s the most honest mirror to see who I am and what I’m made of, even if it’s a lot of (or mostly) luck.

I’m happy because I love learning to balance this ambition with living a good life. I’m often grumpy and frustrated about work, but I know it’s completely self-afflicted, my “predilection.” I hope people close to me can see that while I’m stressed all the time, it’s because I really want it. I also don’t let it take away from knowing how to live a life full of interests, curiosity, good people, and that I know how to be present, love, laugh, care, cry, and just be completely engaged with life.

🤷‍♂️

A piece of content I recommend:

The Inside Story of Nebula - Wendover Productions on YouTube

I’m deep in the edu-tainment corner of YouTube, and all the creators I love there promote a streaming service called Nebula. Here’s a story of how a bunch of people who make content for nerds like me on YouTube built a modern day Discovery Channel (with an assist from the founder of Discovery Channel).

Bonus: This is Love and The Joe Pomp Show

Recommending two short podcasts that I listen to pretty regularly. This is Love features stories about different ways to define love. The Joe Pomp Show is daily bite-size breakdowns of the business of sports.

Finally, Flow Club was in the Wall Street Journal and Men’s Health UK! Men’s Health UK is print only, so I can only link you to the WSJ article.

🤗

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As always, you can find out what I’m thinking in more real-time on Twitter and my essays are on my website. My primary focus (and where I focus) is on Flow Club.